The Absolut(e) LAMEST things ordered over the last two weekends:

1. Top shelf Long Island Iced Tea

This is the stuff of legend. I'd heard tell of it being ordered in earnest, but thought it was an urban myth. Somebody out there really doesn't realize that when you mix vodka, gin, rum, tequila, triple sec, sour mix and coke, it's gonna taste like crap and make you sick, whether you use Zemkoff or Chopin? Really?

2. Shot of Sour Apple Pucker

Bright green, tastes like plastic (or to quote LZP, "a My Little Pony") and has about four percent alcohol.

3. "Sweet Action"

Ordered thus: "Can I get Sweet Action?" I just shook my head, knowingly and sadly.

4. Absolut, Malibu and pineapple

This from a man who looked old enough - and franky, hard enough - to know better.

Special mention goes to the woman who wanted something called a Vodka Russian (it's red, apparently, and has nothing to do with the black or white varieties),

"Hey, you were here last week...

...you were so drunk that you fell off your stool."

"What? I did?"

"Yep."

"Are you sure it was me?"

"Yep. I'm sure."

"I don't think that was..."

"It was DEFINITELY you."

"Oh...okay."

"I'm not surprised that you don't remember."

"Okay...well..."

"You were really, really drunk."

(blank stare.)

"What are you having, then?"